I lied to you in a post, so I deleted it. I said “I need to pay as much attention to my health as I do my relationships.” I have to admit, relationships are always number one, but the most intimate relationship we can ever have is with ourselves. I insinuated that I ignore that. But it’s not true. In the past I did ignore myself completely, until a complete health/workaholic bottom about 11 years ago. Since then I have been hyper-vigilant in self care and a self care advocate.
The truth is I’m exhausted with having to take “special” care of me.
I’ve dealt with and overcome suicidal depression, alcoholism, food addiction,
chronic fatigue (Epstein Barr) and to deal with all that I’ve had to have medical care, therapy, 12 step support, eat well, rest well, exercise, and not only do all that, but keep doing most of it to maintain wellness. So basically me and this body of mine are already a full time job.
After feeling exhausted for this last year and brushing it off as depression or eating too much sugar, or whatever, I finally went to the Dr. with a very swollen and painful foot. Surprise, I have Microcytic Hypo-Chromic Anemia. I feel like my body is trying to kill me. I have low blood iron (not the kind you fix by just taking iron), and no reserves in my bones. Now I’m being poked, prodded, tested to figure out what’s causing it. I spent my whole Wednesday in the ER, while they contemplated a blood transfusion... blaaa blaaa whaaa whaaa.
Honestly, if this was a relationship with a human I would end it. I’m angry at the partnership I’ve had with my body, and because it’s a life long commitment I’ll learn to love again. But for now I’m in my pity party of having to deal with me. I’d much rather be focused on you, my kids, my partner, my career, creating, and much more... but again my very needy partner (my body) is crying for my attention. So I’ll put aside the jealousy I have of Jay (my partner) who in my eyes has a perfect body, and put aside my dreams and aspirations as a 1st priority, push aside all the things I love to be busy with and once again give this time sucking body of mine the attention she needs to get well...
P.S. My truly sincere apologies to those of you including my own dad who have had to battle worse things! I do have gratitude, just not everyday. LOL