Just because something you want to have, do, or achieve is really wonderful, doesn't mean it's easy to let go of the things that are in the way of that. For instance I want to be in my thin athletic body again but don't want to give up all my comfort food. I wanted to listen to the spirit and move to Hawaii, where I feel connected and whole, but did not want to give up seeing all the people I love, the hikes in Marin etc... What I do know is that when you do what's right for you and it matches your values, even if it costs you something else, it's always amazing. I guess it is called FAITH.
P.S. After many years in analysis paralysis, I have discovered the worst decision is in-decision. One path leeds to the next, and we always get to choose again. So while its important to pause, choose wisely, and carefully choose our actions, its also important that we do not always get to know until we act... That is what the lessons of TRUST and FAITH are about...
Jay and I often have people stop us and say how we glow or how they see that we're so in love. Today someone we didn't know walked by the table we were dining at and said, "You guys are Romeo and Juliet! Sorry to disturb you." I'm sitting here now and pondering why people see us that way. Is it the way we look? The way we act? I think it's because we feed our bodies with life-giving food: lots of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. I don't eat meat at all and Jay eats very little. I think we glow from the inside out. I also have to believe it's because we shower each other in love and generosity every day. If you were showered in love and generosity, don't you think you would glow too? When we are nourished through good fuel and satisfied emotionally we must glow. Love is an energy that you can see, feel and touch. Love can be cultivated and turned up and on.
Out at the end of the road that runs along Hilo Bay, we parked today and made our way over the rocks and waded through some shallow pools until we came to a couple really nice small lagoons/tide pools that are perfect for swimming. The water is calm and blue, and there are big pine trees along with some coconut palms. I swam around a little, then got out and sat on a rock while Heidi kept swimming in the 100 ft-wide ocean-fed pool. Watching her enjoy her exercise, a wave of gratitude came over me. The thought I had was: This is it. This is Paradise, and I live here. I’m retired, am with my beloved, and life is yummy. The air is perfect, the water is perfect. There’s no hurries, and no worries. The surf is good. And I am so grateful to have these gifts.
Twice in my life I have gotten to the point of not caring if I lived or died, often wishing for death to be thrust upon me. Both times I was overworked and had made life too big. I turned to addiction, once many years ago with alcoholism, and once to compulsive overeating/food addiction, to avoid the truth that something had to change. I've spent hours making myself wrong for not being to be able to make it in what I refer to as the RAT RACE. You see, for this stubborn ol' cuss it takes a whole lot of pain to surrender, move through the fear, and lean into my own truth and values. So a new path begins, beyond addiction, beyond the RAT RACE, living my dreams in alignment with my values and needs. Life is too precious to waste and frankly I'm too dramatic not to enjoy it, I would really rather die than live a deadbeat life.
P.S. Having fun people to play with is oh so important. Jay and I on home-made teeter totters at Cronkite Beach in Nor Cal.
For the first time in my life there's time for everything. I guess that's because I've gotten rid of everything I don't have time for. I've been pondering the idea of "too much." I honestly think it's a form of greed, driven by the fear of not having enough. I would have never considered myself a greedy or selfish person, however when we really look underneath things they tend to be self centered. I have been driven my whole life to create, teach, and make money. I love so many things and ,being a huge visionary, there is a lot I want to do. My chief complaint is that there is not enough time in the day or not enough of me to go around. This spins me into that the disappointment that is "not enough." Maybe with more balance or more time blocking I can achieve everything. This year I realized if it's too much all the time then it's not mine to achieve. I am only supposed to achieve the amount in a day or in life that makes me happy, joyous, and free. This allows me to be in each moment as it unfolds. Many of us worry about a future that doesn't even happen. Why waste time in the present worried about what has not yet unfolded? After all doesn't it take one step at a time to walk a mile? If while we walk the mile we miss all the steps then what good is the journey? Now I choose a smaller life, one that I do have time, money, and energy to show up for. I wasn't born to do everything. We can't be in Spain and Mexico at the same time, sometimes we have to choose between two great things.
Well...nothing went wrong. The movers came today with all of our stuff from California. We've been here in Hawaii for 2 weeks sleeping on a mattress that was delivered before we came, and cooking with stuff we bought from Ross, which will go in our rental. A potentially stressful time was smoothed out as Heidi and I reaffirmed what we already knew- that we share some of the same quirks about order, cleanliness and decorating as well as both being anti-hoarders. I'm so grateful to be making a home with this beautiful person. And, after working a few hours, the blue Hawaii water called to us and we were surfing and swimming, getting ready to unpack more later and set up our- and let's call it what it is- our tropical Hawaiian estate.
P.S. By Heidi
I have found one of the biggest challenges for couples beside sex or money is different values in the way they keep a home. It is SO IMPORTANT to support each others comfort on the home front as our home should be a place we love to be. Do you feel welcome in your home and do you make the effort to allow others who live with you feel welcome?
Someone told me once, "Heidi, live your life like an open book. It may be the only book someone reads." This is now a value I live by, which is why I allow my life to be so public. It was difficult for me to step into it, being that my my default is to hide or go into shame or guilt. You see in the past I based many of my actions on what I thought people would think about me. Now I'm just inspired to live by my own values to the best of my ability on any given day and to be open and vulnerable. My stealth mission is to inspire and empower you to do the same! You're okay right now, just as you are. I am too.
P.S. As you get to know me you will know I love and use one liners. I collect these from people, things I read and the rooms of 12 step meetings. One liners are great brain pattern interrupts. My one liner used for this: WHAT OTHER PEOLPE THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
A typical day for me includes a surf session at Pohoiki Bay followed by a warming dip in the adjacent volcanic hot pond. Bodyboarding at Pohoiki is way different than San Francisco- the grim stares of the Nor-Cal surfers are replaced here by friendly smiles and waves from strangers and regulars alike. You can see what the "Aloha Spirit" is about as you quickly earn your spot in the lineup.
After riding some fun waves, I step over the rocks and dip into the 20ft-wide, 3ft deep pool of water, heated to the mid-90's by the Goddess Pele's volcanic energy. Shaded by tropical jungle and surrounded by hanging vines, it feels man-made but is totally natural- and enchanting. Another day in paradise.
I was born into a gypsy pirate family and was taken in by the Loves. These two families have given me the courage to live differently, beyond the RAT RACE of humanity. My intention is that Jay and I's living adventure and relationship will inspire you to live your dreams and align your lifestyle to meet your values. Everyone on the planet wins when you're happy living your truth. I dedicate this blog to my rouge families...