I’m really guilty, confused, angry and ashamed. I think in grief. People keep telling me how lucky I am to get to go on this trip.
I do practice gratitude daily, I try and make the best out of each day of my life. I’m grateful we have a car, time, money to eat, camp, pay our bills. I’m grateful we have a home in Sausalito to go home to in Sept. I’m thankful to see all the beautiful places we are seeing.
I’m BOTH/AND. I’m both thankful and I’m hurting. I’m I incredibly sad that I’m not at my home in Hawaii. I’m heart broken that the place I feel the most at home on the planet is being rearranged in a way that feels devastating. I’m stressed out and uptight because I hold high standards of being present for my work, and doing that on the road is hard. I never know if the Wi-fi will be reliable or not. I don’t know if where we are will be quiet enough or not. I love my work, and need to and have to work. I miss the certainty of being home. We move places every 1 to 4 days and it’s both exciting and exhausting.
I cry often. I’m finding myself. I’m leaning on higher power. I’m reaching for direction, clarity, a new path. Hawaii was one of the few things I’ve been certain about, and for now it’s a closed door.
I’m closed, I’m open, I’m grateful, I’m grieving, I’m sad, I’m happy. Searching for the next nudge from spirit. This is my summer of surrender, acceptance and unfolding into the unknown. It’s stretching me beyond anything that has stretched me so far. Some days I feel it might break me and some days I might expand.
writing as a tool.. after writing this I already feel better!
Roller Coaster of experience. I'm sure you can relate to having the " I should's". Right now I have the: I should NOT be sad about Hawaii, other people live there full time and have lost their homes, I should be grateful for this road trip, I should be able to be in the moment every moment, I should't miss my kids so much, I must be weird. All of us have beliefs, thoughts and commentary that keep us from being really present with what is. It is becoming more apparent to me how often I bypass the opportunity to be ok with me, fortunately now I am aware of this and can arrive again and again. Reassuring myself that it's ok to feel, to be, whatever I am in that moment. And the beautiful thing I have witnessed with this in myself and many, many others is the beautiful result of release that we wanted from denying or ignoring it.
There is nothing like changing location, going from rural camping in the Los Padres National Forest to rich coastal towns such as Carmel and Pebble Beach. After camping and only washing in the stream I admit I had culture shock, embarrassment and anxiety to even get out of the car. We toured opulent Pebble Beach with its mansions, and the beautiful village of Carmel and enjoyed the gingerbread houses, flowers and beauty of the area from the car window.
One favorite spot so far is Pacific Beach in San Diego. It offers a beautiful beach, pier and surf coupled with restaurants and shops for a lively adventure that would please a whole family. Windandsea beach has amazing white sand, great surf, and sand stone rocks on the beach offering a soft beauty. Carmel is a favorite for beaches, downtown area and just looking at the homes pleases the eyes and senses. I honestly don’t remember ever seeing anywhere so charming.
San Clemente is a fun stop as they have not only one good thrift shop, but a whole row!! Thrift shop heaven. Fun items at VERY affordable prices. Lucky for me, I only bought a cute sun hat for $1.08. When you’re living out of your car, there’s not room to acquire much.
After being evacuated from our home, Jay and I’s minimalistic lifestyle went to a whole new level. Being faced with only taking from our home what we could cram into suitcases you even get a deeper meaning of how burdensome material things are and how easily they are taken away. True meaning, memories and home is with the people you love, this was echoed by almost every hospice patient I worked with during my 9 year service of hospice patients and families. The number one biggest regret stated by my patients was: I wished I focused more on my family and less on money or material gain, I’ll never get that time back. How are you spending your time? How do you wish you were spending your time? And what adjustments do you need to make to make that happen? Please post your answers, I’d love to hear you..
I’m writing you today, sitting next to a beautiful creek bed. Real camping! No showers, no water, there is an outhouse, but I pee in the creek. Yes, this girl truly loves the outdoors. My desire was to have some commune with nature, some adventure, some solitude. Starting out in the SoCal coastal madness left me wanting and irritated. I actually love being in nature, with no cars wizzing by, people shopping, and busy energy everywhere. It can be fun, but not in a needed time of refuge and retreat. We headed for the hills through Fort Hunter-Ligget army base.
Hitting degrees of 100 I began to wonder why we left the comfort of family, routine, and a home base. But watching all the army tents and men in uniform inspired my curiosity about people’s lives, so different than my small world and got me out of myself. We found our spot for the next few days.
Prayer, meditation, naps, reading, writing and sitting in the stream are the only agenda. Both of us are stressed and wondering what we got ourselves into, mixed with the excitement of acceptance and the great unknown. So sitting here now as I write to you, I’m in my swimsuit bottoms, flip flops, looking at a wooded hill, sunlight streaking though and I’m headed for a dip in the fresh mountain water to chill out...