I’m both grateful and grieving... Day 16 Road Trip 2018 From Oregon to Washington

7/27/2018

I’m really guilty, confused, angry and ashamed. I think in grief. People keep telling me how lucky I am to get to go on this trip.

I do practice gratitude daily, I try and make the best out of each day of my life. I’m grateful we have a car, time, money to eat, camp, pay our bills. I’m grateful we have a home in Sausalito to go home to in Sept. I’m thankful to see all the beautiful places we are seeing.

I’m BOTH/AND. I’m both thankful and I’m hurting. I’m I incredibly sad that I’m not at my home in Hawaii. I’m heart broken that the place I feel the most at home on the planet is being rearranged in a way that feels devastating. I’m stressed out and uptight because I hold high standards of being present for my work, and doing that on the road is hard. I never know if the Wi-fi will be reliable or not. I don’t know if where we are will be quiet enough or not. I love my work, and need to and have to work. I miss the certainty of being home. We move places every 1 to 4 days and it’s both exciting and exhausting.

I cry often. I’m finding myself. I’m leaning on higher power. I’m reaching for direction, clarity, a new path. Hawaii was one of the few things I’ve been certain about, and for now it’s a closed door.

I’m closed, I’m open, I’m grateful, I’m grieving, I’m sad, I’m happy. Searching for the next nudge from spirit. This is my summer of surrender, acceptance and unfolding into the unknown. It’s stretching me beyond anything that has stretched me so far. Some days I feel it might break me and some days I might expand.

Heidi
writing as a tool.. after writing this I already feel better!

2 Comments

Arne J Leon

7/28/2018 05:04:53 pm

First, rest assured, these are such great questions to ask of yourself. And by sharing your experience you have helped me ☺ Socrates says, "The unexamined Life is not worth living". But, sometimes I get lost "in" the journey, and fear for my sanity - yeah, ME. Gratefully, I've, so far remembered our teaching, "The answers will come if your house is in order" - hope that was right. I'm sure there are many NEW great thoughts, and ideas yet to come, and the language we'll use to express them has not yet been spoken.
So, it kinda figures that we'd be stumped, "at a loss for words", so to speak ☺.
PS I know you guys live in your wet-suits, so did you see the video of the 'two minute, eight barrel' ride by a young Australian lad? ♥

Steven link

9/14/2018 08:37:34 pm

I DEEPLY appreciate your total transparency Heidi!! Bless your dear heart. Few would be so totally honest! This summer has been perhaps the most trying in 20 years...
Perhaps we could have a eye to eye some kind day........Steven

if we can do it, you can too.
what are you waiting for?