I’m really guilty, confused, angry and ashamed. I think in grief. People keep telling me how lucky I am to get to go on this trip.
I do practice gratitude daily, I try and make the best out of each day of my life. I’m grateful we have a car, time, money to eat, camp, pay our bills. I’m grateful we have a home in Sausalito to go home to in Sept. I’m thankful to see all the beautiful places we are seeing.
I’m BOTH/AND. I’m both thankful and I’m hurting. I’m I incredibly sad that I’m not at my home in Hawaii. I’m heart broken that the place I feel the most at home on the planet is being rearranged in a way that feels devastating. I’m stressed out and uptight because I hold high standards of being present for my work, and doing that on the road is hard. I never know if the Wi-fi will be reliable or not. I don’t know if where we are will be quiet enough or not. I love my work, and need to and have to work. I miss the certainty of being home. We move places every 1 to 4 days and it’s both exciting and exhausting.
I cry often. I’m finding myself. I’m leaning on higher power. I’m reaching for direction, clarity, a new path. Hawaii was one of the few things I’ve been certain about, and for now it’s a closed door.
I’m closed, I’m open, I’m grateful, I’m grieving, I’m sad, I’m happy. Searching for the next nudge from spirit. This is my summer of surrender, acceptance and unfolding into the unknown. It’s stretching me beyond anything that has stretched me so far. Some days I feel it might break me and some days I might expand.
writing as a tool.. after writing this I already feel better!